i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
