Don't you send me to vm
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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