Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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