ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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