I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
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