Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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