Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
