There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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