Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
