I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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