I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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