God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
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You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
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Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
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