Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
