yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
