My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I booty called her while she was in labor.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
