No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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