margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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