So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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