He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
