You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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