I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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