i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
NoShamevember. You game?
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
