Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
