I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
