If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
