I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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