R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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