One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
