Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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