Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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