I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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