Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
