and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
