And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
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He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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