Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
