My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
