just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
