I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
