Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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