So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
