My hand turned me down
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
