you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
