So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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