I need help removing her.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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