Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
how drunk are you?
Several
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
