We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
