I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
