How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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