Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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