I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
