I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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