Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
