you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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