It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
