he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
