can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
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I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
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You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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