its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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