I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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