I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
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